Damaged
by Kenzie-Kinnity
Summary: "My hearts at a low/I'm so much to manage/I think you should know that/I've been damaged." - Bianca is damaged. NOT A SONG FIC. Femslash. Rating for the content.


**Note:** This was inspired by the song Damaged by TLC. If you've never heard it, please take a moment to listen too it. THIS IS NOT A SONG FIC. Merely a fic inspired by a song.

**Summary:** Bianca's damaged. Marissa knows it but she loves her. Not regardless of the fact, but because of it. If she weren't, she wouldn't be the woman she is today.

**Warning: References back to Michael Cambias and the night of the shooting. If you know the story of what happened, then you know why that is labeled as a warning. Proceed with caution.**

**Spoilers: **2003**/**2004 era

**Pairings:** Bianca/Marissa.

**Note II:** A quick thank you to everyone whose been reading my stories, subscribing, faving, all of that. Thank you all soo much. If you could do me one more teeny tiny favor, could you sign up on the Minx board? Post stories, bring you friends, etc? Please? And add me over there! Same name, Kenzie_Kinnity!

h t t p : / / z 1 5 . i n v i s i o n f r e e . c o m / B i a n c a _ a n d _ M a r i s s a / i n d e x . p h p (of course remove all spaces)

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><p>It's curious, Marissa muses, how someone so strong, so amazing, so close to perfect it sometimes hurts her, can be so...insecure. And afraid. She figures it has a lot to do with much of Bianca's past that she just wont exactly open up about. Sure, there was the moment when Ricky had them together where Bianca was vulnerable and opened up but past that, Bianca will not talk about her past. But that's fine with Marissa. If she wants her to know, she can tell her and she knows Marissa will always listen without judgment. But what gets her every time is Bianca's eyes. That look of abject fear in the woman's eyes when she glances up in the mirror. She sees it, confusion in her own but she doesn't question it. She doesn't want Bianca to shut down and pull away from her so she remains silent. Well, she plans on staying silent but she can't shake the feeling that something is going to happen soon and it will be incredibly unsettling and heartbreaking all in one but she'll be ready. She's going to stand tall for Bianca. She wont waver, she wont blink, she wont budge. She'll be a boulder before she falters and Bianca will have someone there to lift her up.<p>

–

Marissa hates it, but she's right. Something does happen, two months later. They're asleep in bed when a loud 'pop' resounds from outside. In reality, it's probably just an electrical fuse box or something along those lines but it scares her awake. She knows if she's awakened by it that Bianca is probably halfway to the girls' rooms by now.

"Micheal!" is what she hears instead. Her eyes widen, snapping over to Bianca who sits straight up in bed, stiff as a rod, breathing barely noticeable. Her hair is matted around her forehead and sticking to her damp shoulders and her eyes are wild.

"Bianca?" she says silently. She looks over at her girlfriend, reaching a hand out and snapping back when Bianca flinches.

"Don't touch me." Bianca whispers. She takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm her hammering heart. Marissa would never imagine it from Bianca's outward appearance, but Bianca is so close to breaking she's barely holding on by a hair. Marissa nods, respecting her request, not wanting to cross any boundaries,

"I'll go check on the kids." she says standing slowly. Bianca nods, not looking at her, only at the wall. Marissa doesn't know how to help her but she knows she has to try. Somehow.

–

A month. A full month as how long Marissa continues on like nothing is wrong before she's at the end of her rope. Bianca isn't the same, she's not sure what's wrong but she knows it's something deep. Something previously untouched by her and it breaks her heart to see the cloud in normally bright eyes. She wants nothing more than to hug her girlfriend, all the time, but she can't. Bianca is skittish and jumpy and Marissa is going everything in her mind. It isn't until she looks at a calender sadly that things begin to fall into place for her. That night, she sits on the edge of Bianca's bed, waiting for her to tuck the girls in. Bianca enters, smiling tightly at her and Marissa stands. Bianca's eyes widen and she takes a step back and Marissa takes one solitary step forward but no more. She doesn't move. She simply looks at her love, head tilted and eyes open. It's as open as her heart, ready for anything Bianca was ready to give her.

"I love you." she says simply. Bianca flinches but nods, biting her bottom lip,

"I love you too." she whispers. Marissa offers her a half smile, it doesn't fully meet her eyes.

"I love the girls." Marissa continues on. Bianca eyes her curiously,

"And they adore you. You and AJ are already like family to us." she says. Marissa notes the lack of hesitation when she says this.

"AJ adores you." she says putting her arms behind her back. Bianca furrows her brows,

"He's amazing." she says slowly, confused as to what's happening.

"And Kendall, Erica, everyone adores you, Bianca." Marissa says. Bianca scratches her arm, a nervous tick she's picked up from Marissa no doubt.

"They're wonderful. I love my family." she says completely flabbergasted. Marissa nods, looking directly into Bianca's eyes as she takes a step forward. Bianca flinches but otherwise doesn't move.

"And we all want you to be okay..." she trails off this time. Bianca shrugs,

"I'm fine." she says automatically.

"You're not but that's okay. When you're ready to talk, you have an...array of people you can turn too." she says with a smile. Bianca eyes her for a few minutes, recognition flashing in her eyes. Marissa was giving her an out. "I'm gonna go shower. I just wanted to remind you that...you're loved." she says softly. She turns but Bianca acts faster, reaching out a hand but not moving her entire body. Marissa pauses, eying her curiously.

"I...just..." she stops, wetting her lips, tears springing to her eyes. "I think about it." she says softly. Almost too soft to hear but Marissa catches it.

"About what?" Marissa asks softly. Bianca sniffles a little, reaching up to wipe the lone tear,

"About...Micheal." she says slowly. "About...s-shooting him." she sobs out. Marissa's heart breaks and she opens her arms. Giving Bianca a chance to receive or reject. Bianca moves into her arms, taking in the embrace greedily and trying to get her sobs under control.

"What makes you think about it?" Marissa asks softly. Bianca remains silent as she can, only her labored breathing encompasses the room for a few beats.

"Everything." she says. Her voice is small, frightened; the inner Bianca that's always lurking just past the shadows. "You...care about me so much and you show it without fear or reservation and I flash back to when Kendall and my mom were willing to lie for me when it happened and I'm just..." she struggles for her words for a few minutes. "I don't deserve it. I didn't then and I don't now." she says finally. Marissa pulls back to look at her, wanting to show her how wrong she was,

"Bia-"

"I killed a man." Bianca says with a dullness to her voice. "I went there because he was...still hurting me and I shot him. I held that small gun in my hands and I pulled that trigger." she says losing herself. "I can hear the sound of the safety being removed, I can hear the hammer and finally the loud 'bang.' Then, I feel my body reacting, the same way it did that night and I almost lose myself but then you're there to smile at me or to bring me breakfast in bed and all over again I'm being given this...this wonderful gift that I don't deserve." she says, tears flowing freely. Marissa frowns, cupping Bianca's face firmly yet gently.

"No, no you're right but not the way you think you are." she says softly. Bianca tries to speak but she shakes her head, "No, sh sh, you're right. You don't deserve me, you deserve so much better. You deserve everything that your heart desires and more because you are an amazing, thoughtful, kindhearted and beautiful woman. You deserve someone who doesn't have flaws but I know they don't exist. I know I'm nowhere near a close enough consolation prize to what you may need, but you have me. You have me and Bianca, I'm not leaving. I can't leave, not now. Not after these past few months, knowing how it feels to..to have your heart." she shakes her head, "No, I will fight whoever I have to in order to keep my place right here by your side because it's where I belong. Right here, in this room, loving you because you are so much better than you believe and you'll never believe me but that's okay. I want to spend as much time as you'll let me trying to prove it too you." she finishes reverently. Bianca had to believe her.

"I don't..." Bianca pauses, looking Marissa dead in the eye. Marissa was sincere, so open before her. "I love you." she says instead of protesting. "You...you are everything I've ever wanted and I know I don't make you feel appre-"

"Shh. Don't worry about that. You love me, I scan feel it. When you look at me, when you kiss me. When you wake up next too me." Marissa shrugs a little, "It's beyond enough for me. I'm here for the long haul, Bianca."

"I'm damaged."

"Aren't we all?" she asks.

"I don't think I'll ever be perfect for you." Bianca whispers.

"You're amazingly imperfect." she waits a beat. "Besides, if you were perfect then...then we'd have a problem. How do you date someone who doesn't have flaws?" she asks pulling a confused face. Bianca lets out a watery chuckle, feeling a little lighter than she had in months.

"Tomorrow's the anniversary." she whispers. Marissa nods, kissing her softly,

"We'll make a new memory. It wont replace that one, but it'll balance it." she says softly. Bianca eyes her,

"Thank you." she whispers finally. Marissa smiles, about to respond but Bianca kisses her. That was thank you enough for her.


End file.
